Idle Hands...

It's been a bit since I've hopped on here... lots has happened around here, as it always does, HA!  But I'll share more on all that stuff later.  

But on a serious note this post has honestly taken me AGES to write up.  I've written it out, gotten too emotional, erased it... walked away from it. Thought about it, prayed about it... and in the end, here I am giving it another 'go'.

My last post was all about our youngest, Jack's, birth story.  But there was another chapter that unfolded during my 20-week anatomy scan/ultrasound and lasted a good 2 weeks, but I've just now gotten to where I don't get anxious thinking about it.

This story has a happy ending, but it's more about the period of limbo, a lot of worry, a test of faith & keeping my heart, head and hands as busy as possible.

Another little part of why this was such a testing time, was that like most people's lives, it wasn't the only thing we had going on.  We were extremely stressed with selling our first home that had been a rental property for quite a while as well.  And let's just say we got far from a fair shake on that deal, but we were backed into a corner.  We actually had amazing tenants in it, but they were ready to buy a home of their own and we were really wanting to start the process of doing the same, the house had to go.  We got the house fixed up and on the market I believe in April.  After a good handful of hopeful offers and negotiations we had a deal that was sticking, but we got a horrible appraisal, the prospective buyers were not wanting to start over with new financing and we were between a rock and a hard place financially and it was now mid-August.  We ended up closing the deal, after wiping out every bit of savings and borrowing from an Aunt & Uncle, we closed and could finally sleep and eat. This was after literal weeks of attempting to work with our mortgage company that couldn't get their crap together enough to get us an exact payoff before closing... it was a guessing game & we were so tired!  They wouldn't give us the figure over the phone, they would 'ball park' it but I'd call the next day to double check and it was a completely different amount than previously quoted.  They would NOT fax or email the title company either and would only snail-mail a payoff, but that pay off only lasted 3-5 days from the day it was requested and they kept sending it to the house which we hand't lived in for YEARS and it'd get returned because, DUH we didn't live there! I don't at this moment remember the day of the week we closed, but I want to say Thursday or Friday.  We were exhausted in every sense of the word, SPENT emotionally, physically & financially.  But we were free from that house & mortgage and we were so relieved.  So there ya go, take a deep breath... and prepare yourselves because at this moment we were firm believers that Murphy's Law was real, and we were raw...

That following Monday morning we had our 20-week ultrasound and were so excited to get a peek at our little Jack, and that alone had us in high spirits.  With my two previous pregnancies Mike had not been able to attend because of work commitments, but he was there for this one.  I remember being a little irritated because he was on his phone non-stop... I don't remember the situation, but I do remember he was stressed and he's a project coordinator that manages a few aspects within the small company he works for, and at that time they were very busy and he was firing off e-mails quicker than they were coming in.

This was my third time and his first with the BIG ultrasound... so in his defense the hair on his arms didn't stick up quite as quickly as mine did.

The tech came in and was all smiles, friendly and we made small talk.  

The usual... are we wanting to know the sex etc? Which we already knew from the blood test.

And we got situated, shirt rolled up, pants rolled down... I remember it was the first time I had worn my new maternity pants and I remember the nude stretchy panel and looking down at this round belly as she squirted that warm gel and quickly found his little heartbeat.  His image cleared and focused and he was going to town in there.  She made comments about his already visible hair... we could even see eyelashes on the screen.  She got right to business after that taking measurements and entering digits.  Meanwhile Mike had stepped back and was handling something on the phone.  

I remember my view moving from him over to the tech's face and she looked very concentrated... I think she noticed and in a nonchalant way smoothly turned the screen to where it wasn't  really visible to me... her chatter and excitement pointing out features quieted.  I think at this point because the room was dark and the light of the screen shifted, Mike stepped forward and little by little the tech was starting to speak up...

'Well, his feet look great, there's no issue there.'

'His pallet is well formed, that's great.'

'Nose & Lips look good'

'Heart looks good.'

'His overall measurement is right on.'

...

All these little things I don't remember even being mentioned with Kaleb or Emma... as she spoke, the hair on my arms stood up.  I could taste the cereal I had that morning high up in my throat... something was off...

'I'm going to get the doctor real quick, be right back.'

She cleared the screen and I remember telling Mike that I hoped everything was OK.  He brushed it off, of course he had not been to one of these yet... so nothing was odd to him.  

But as we waited I remembered the lady at the front desk rescheduling my OB appointment that morning as we came in because my doctor was needing to head up to the hospital for a c-section.  So for the tech to need to grab her before she left was worrying me.

They came back in & I could tell Dr. D was one foot out the door.  I don't remember her saying much other than a quick 'hi' and she started looking at some images and told the tech 'yes, I see it.'

They turned the screen towards us and she pointed out a decent sized spot on one side of his brain.  She explained it was a plexus choroid cyst, could mean nothing, but was also a marker for two pretty serious issues... Trisomy 18 (Edward's Syndrome) & Trisomy 21 (Down's Syndrome).  I had done the screenings for genetic issues and there wasn't an issue flagged there, but she did suggest doing another test if I chose.  I think once the terms were shared my brain kind of went in overdrive... the next hour or so was kind of a blur.  Mike's plans to go back to work were off now, and we went straight to the clinic to have this other test done.  I was so jittery we had to turn back around to get my lab order because I had forgotten it in the room.

Knowing my husband, he doesn't worry without proof... but I was so worked up.  I made the mistake of Googling the words on the lab slip, and also both of the possible syndromes... Down's didn't terrify me, as I knew plenty of kiddos live very fulfilled lives, but
Edward's Syndrome terrified me.  It was most times fatal in utero, there are not many physical characteristics, but baby doesn't mature/grow as it should and if I remember right, there are substantial heart and or brain issues.  I could live with an 'imperfect child', but the idea of saying goodbye to a child I hadn't yet met broke me.  That whole 'Murphy's Law' thing was so heavy on my mind as well... we had not had any good luck in so long, I was sure the streak was still going strong!

The phlebotomy tech had done all my work up to this point and he was the one there that day as well.  I'm usually very friendly & after the first time meeting him, made it a point to be extra nice because my first impression was he was having a bad day or just wasn't a big fan of his job.  But after that first visit, he seemed to always smile back and maybe he enjoyed having someone a little upbeat to deal with when it was my turn.  But in the short time between being called back and him coming in and asking for my papers, he must have read the worry all over my face.  He was quiet as well... when it was done and I stood up to gather my purse he gave me a hug and a pat on the back.  That was the last time I saw him and I'm not sure since he sees so many illnesses and probably worried faces, that to him I was just another one, but I was thankful he acknowledged my worry.  They told me that my doctor would be calling them with results and I would hear something in like 10-15 days, I don't remember.

When Mike & I headed to the stairway I remember stopping and crying... that hallway was so hot, all windows and sun shining in... he stood a step of two below me and let me lean in on him cry a minute.  He was so calm about it.  That's Mike... I'm the emotional one, he's the collected one... Thank God for that!

We went to eat and we went home... I remeber laying down in our room and just sleeping for a while.

Emma had dance that Wednesday and I went to drop her off, but didn't go in... I was just a wreck still and I didn't want to be there if I had a crying spell.  I went down the road and popped in a little shop and bought some lotion and went back to the car.  Mike called to check on me... I vented about how worried I was and he responded with 'Whatever it is, it is... Jack is our Jack.  Regardless of if he's perfect or not.  We should get started on his room.  Let's go get paint after you get home.'  In that moment I was frustrated but knew to a degree he was right & talking me down... because I will wreck myself with worry and he knew I needed a project.

So we started on Jack's room and decided to try doing a hounds-tooth accent wall.  It could be easily painted over when we moved, which we knew was a possibility, but it was the project that was the blessing.  

Planning, taping, painting... we'd get home from work and eat dinner, get the kiddos in bed and spend a few hours in that nursery.  Working on that wall was therapy... I'd find myself lost in the process and for a while, my head wasn't full of worry, my hands were busy besides Googling scary medical stuff.

The days I spent at my shop,were not really very focused.  I'm sure I called the doctor's office near twice a a day just curious if results had come in.

Eventually the phone rang and it was them with results... all levels were normal, from what they could tell without an amnio, which I didn't want to do anyway, we were good.  She said that we would look for the cyst at the 30-week ultrasound and go from there.  I remember her saying 'sometimes they just disappear.'

By the grace of God... that's exactly what happened. And he was born healthy and a whole other level of 'priorities' set in. My way of thinking about a lot of things were different from this experience on.  Jack was a game-changer for sure, but all in a good way.

But a few weeks after his birth we found ourselves preparing to move... and I was painting over that wall. Wasn't sad to, in a way erase it, but a little bummed to see the final project go.  That wall and painting project kept me sane.  It gifted Mike and I hours of sometimes quiet time spent just together waiting for a phone call... and when we brought our sweet Jack home & I rocked him in that room, I'd look at that wall and smile.

Thank God for answered prayers & thank God for my husband that did his part by keeping my hands far from idle.

(little peek at Jack's nursery)

I have my 20-week anatomy scan with baby #4 this coming Friday and I think in a way to settle my nerves I finally forced myself to get this down... I'll be going to this one alone most likely since Mike will be leaving early that morning for a trip with Kaleb.  Here's to hoping all goes smooth... I have faith it will!

PS, I'll hopefully get myself in gear  here soon & share Jack's lumberJACK first birthday & catch this little blog up on the upcoming baby as well!